An example of a great relationship?

Today I thought I’d write about how we can actively look for the qualities and positive contribution in the people around us. 

It can be all too easy to get irritated by other people. Team members ‘not pulling their weight’ or ‘being difficult’. Partners ‘being inconsiderate’. Kids ‘not doing as they’re supposed to’ or ‘not joining in’. There are zillions of ways we can be irritated and feel a bit negative towards others and this way of thinking can often be the default response for many of us. For the record I am including myself in that .. coaches are Human too! 

And I put the parts in quotes for a reason as they are just our own stories about what is happening. And those stories are based on our own perspectives about how a team member / partner / kid / friend / any other person etc should behave and what we think is important. When someone isn’t measuring up to our story we experience the uncomfortable feelings of irritation, resentment, feeling put upon, judgement etc.

However that team member who ‘isn’t pulling their weight’ on a project may be behind on work because they were helping someone else – perhaps with a personal problem. Or they were planning the next team social to help the team to get to know one another better, which in turn will help you all work well together. While ‘you’ are ploughing ahead with to do lists you may be not noticing that the team are disintegrating or feeling unheard. Equally that team member who is ‘being difficult’ is providing a valuable role in questioning what the team needs to be focusing on and why and if they are going about it in the best way. 

I had a great opportunity yesterday to notice this as we hosted my son’s 12th birthday party with 18 kids. Outdoor games in the woods, playing in the garden, shot roulette (different drinks and definitely not all were tasty!), pizza etc. With that size of group you can clearly see different strengths, different preferences and different ways of interacting with the overall party. And none was better or worse than any other .. they were just different. Some were not that up for running around the woods but spent time chatting and connecting. Friendships were key for them & I have no doubt they would be the ones to talk to about a problem. Others were not brave enough for the shot roulette but were egging their friends on – in effect the role of championing others. Some were leaders. Some were keen to help. And there are many more examples of what each child positively contributed to the overall party experience.

In coaching couples I often hear similar complaints as what each person brings to the relationship or family isn’t valued by the other. And yet when I manage to get each of them to look at what their partner brings, and they really stop and think about it, most can come up with a pretty big list of qualities and contributions (albeit with perhaps some prompting!). If we each bring the same strengths to our relationships we will end up with big areas lacking. For example a couple might say they are both hopeless at finances and hence probably struggle with managing their household budget every month. Neither is filling the role that is needed. We need the different aspects that each person brings to the relationship and none is more important or worthwhile than any other. 

Today I’d like to encourage you (and remind myself!) to pause and look at the qualities in anyone that is irritating us. Where are they different from you and how is that a good thing? And if you really want to go crazy you can even acknowledge or compliment them on what they bring. You’ll notice as you do this that you can feel much more warm towards them, appreciative etc and those feelings are far more enjoyable. If you found this useful please like / share / comment. Thank you for reading, Sue X