Up there with diary management, as another major gripe I hear from couples, is not being listened to or heard. The power of truly listening to someone, whether it’s your partner / friend / your child or a work colleague cannot be underestimated. Something truly magical happens when someone feels heard and understood and it’s a very quick and very easy way to build connection in any type of relationship.
I’m just back from a trip to Norway with several friends whom I met when we all first took coach training. Not all have gone on to work as coaches but we all have in common that initial training. And a key coaching skill is the ability to listen. To really hear somebody and to share their experience of life in that moment.
On the second morning we all took it in turns to speak about anything and everything that was going on in our lives. It didn’t matter whether life was going great or horribly, there is so much support & connection generated when we feel heard and seen. And it’s a free gift that you can give to your loved ones anytime.
Some top tips to help you to really listen are:
* Be conscious of having your attention fully on the other person, not allowing your own comparisons and experiences to jump in to the space. Just let them talk and ask questions about THEIR experience.
* To not judge. What’s important to them is different to what matters to you, they have different values, coping mechanisms and ways of being and have walked a different path through life.
* To NOT PROBLEM SOLVE. Nothing kills the potential of a relationship building conversation more than jumping in with solutions. And yes chaps I am mainly talking to you on this one. I know you desperately want to help and fix, your heart is completely in the right place, but it’s often not what the other person wants or needs. Unless they have actually asked for it, hold back on the advice.
* Allow yourself to feel their emotions and voice it. Eg ‘I feel really sad as I listen to you’. It shows that you are hearing them and empathising.
* Give space for them to speak. Sometimes it takes a while to get it all out.
And if you feel your partner or friends are not great listeners you could share this post and they might just spot it. Please share and let’s hope we can all spend less time shouting and more time listening. Two ears, one mouth! Sue XX