Often when we don’t like what someone (our partner, boss, colleague etc) is doing, or how they are being, we complain and criticise. Frequently we don’t even do it to the other person. Instead we moan to our friends, our other colleagues etc. It’s easy to do and the impact is that nothing can change & we get more entrenched in our judgements. Even if we decide to tackle it with the ‘offender’ we may not do it in a way that he/she can hear & decide that they want to change. Today I’ll share a 6 step approach that can help you to be heard and get what you want. A member of my family has used this recently with great success. I would usually share the details but am conscious it involves another person, outside of my family, who could be identified, and this is a public blog so you just get the steps today. On the plus side, less to read but you’ll have to trust me that it works!
1. Think about what’s going on for the other person. How might they be feeling with this situation? What are their needs? Try and step into their shoes. This allows you to look at other perspectives which may help find a win-win. It can also help you to empathise with them during the discussion.
2. Ask if it’s an ok time for a chat. If it isn’t, agree when you can chat. Don’t just plough on regardless as nobody likes an ambush.
3. Tell them how the behaviour makes you feel. They may be completely unaware of their impact. In doing this be careful to use neutral language to describe the behaviour, we are not looking to criticise.
4. Make a clear request and ask for what you would like to change. E.g. Please will you try not to shout. Remember to say please! ????
5. Ask what you can do to help or how they would like your behaviour to change. In effect you are looking to meet them halfway, owning up to your part of the problem.
6. If it’s gone well thank them for listening and being prepared to try something different. If it hasn’t thank them for listening anyway and tell them you’ll try to change your side. They may well just need time to think it through.
As we are entering the silly season involving family gatherings and too much Gin, this technique could come in handy with the in-laws or your own extended family. Please like / share & perhaps we can smooth a few wrinkles out in family dynamics. Sue X