I’m feeling a bit ranty so prepare yourselves!
It’s mental health week this week. In theory a marvellous thing, drawing attention to how prevalent mental health issues are in society, encouraging people to open up & get help. You’d think I’d be delighted about that.
HOWEVER there are bugger all resources for people to access to help them with their mental health, unless they have spare cash. So the financially privileged can get help but those, who very probably are far more likely to be struggling with mental health issues, can’t. Once people have plucked up the courage to seek help, they then have the hurdle of obtaining a GP appointment. The GP would love to refer our courageous seeker for counselling but the NHS waiting lists are a disaster & charities are also often overwhelmed. Having decided to do something about how they are feeling, perhaps even inspired by Mental Health week, our brave soul is then left feeling even more abandoned, isolated and unheard.
So what can we do to help? Well if we know someone is struggling, perhaps due to a bereavement, shocking news, or just having a tough time, one of the key ways we can help is to truly listen. To give them a space to talk, without judgement, and in doing so help them to process what’s going on for them. Talking can help to get the circling thoughts out of our heads, to come to terms with what’s going on, to give a little temporary relief etc. Sounds easy right? Alas it’s a bit more complicated as mostly nobody teaches us how to truly listen. While I don’t consider myself an expert, listening is a key skill in coach training so I’ll give you a few tips and would love others to add anything else in the comments. Sue’s top listening tips:
* Ask your friend / relative etc what they need right now. They might feel they want to talk about their struggles. Or today might be a day where they just want quiet company or to be distracted with other more mundane topics. Or to be alone. Needs vary tremendously by the hour so it’s always worth checking in with what feels most helpful today, while gently letting them know you’re ok with whatever they need.
*. Assuming it is a talking day, let them know you are really open to listening to whatever they want to talk about. That no subject or emotion is off limits, that what they want to say is confidential and won’t be judged.
Perhaps encourage them with a gentle question or two such as ‘How are you really feeling today?’, ‘What’s it like for you right now?’, or ‘Tell me about X’
* Then just let them talk. Your role is just to be an active listener – to ignore what’s going on in your own head, your own stories or experiences and to be over there in their headspace just hearing what’s going on for them.
You can add comments that crop up such as ‘I’m so sorry you’re going through this’ or ‘That sounds really tough’. These types of comments can help the recipient to be truly heard and understood. Or reach out and touch them – a hand hold, a gentle touch on an arm, a hug.
* RESIST the urge to fix things or make them feel better. We always naturally want to cheer our friends up but when someone is really struggling just listening is the greatest gift of all. And to give advice or try to make it better can make the recipient feel unheard or even wrong for their experience. Equally don’t change the subject until they seem ready to.
* Never give platitudes – they’ve heard them all before, they don’t help, they just add to feelings of isolation.
* Also resist the urge to compare and voice your own story or someone else’s. Your focus needs to be on the sharer. The only caveat I would add here is if you yourself have been through something very similar and truly can relate. But in adding parts of your own story focus on how you understand what they are going through as in ‘I get this, I remember feeling exactly the same, it’s so …. ‘ etc. And then back to their experience, don’t take over or tell them how you dealt with it, unless they ask.
* It’s ok if it makes you feel sad or emotional. It shows you’ve really heard and you care.
* People worry that they won’t know what to say – just showing that you care for them, are sorry they are struggling right now etc is enough. You can’t fix the situation or change their feelings.
So that’s my little contribution to Mental Health Week. Please share to help build better listening skills. Added bonus – you never know one of your friends might read it and then be a fantastic listener for you if you need it in years to come! And I’d love to hear any other comments or tips below – I’m sure I missed some key ones. Sue X