Today is all about ‘making friends’ which is a priority for me as we’ve just moved. And I know it’s a subject many people and several of my clients have struggled with. Often people seem like they have loads going on, are really popular etc but the reality is they don’t feel that connected, they feel on the periphery, not really being heard and they feel lonely. You would be amazed at how many people you know who feel like this but don’t admit it and you may be feeling a little like that yourself. If you are, a warm welcome to you and I hope this blog can help – feel free to message me with any questions or comments. Loneliness is a huge issue and not just among the elderly. So I thought I’d write about my current approach, inspired by years of coaching clients on the issue, incase it helps any readers.
Firstly we deliberately chose a house & location with a thriving community and lots of opportunity to meet people. This partly was inspired after running the Happiness course – the latest research points to what a difference feeling part of a community & knowing your neighbours makes. So we chose a house in a cul-de-sac close to the village centre. Hence our kids can safely play in the street and lots of people walk to the local shops (it is a lot harder to meet your neighbours if everyone drives).
Next I researched on Facebook / Google / Meet Up before we moved to find clubs and activities to get involved in & joined local Facebook groups to get a feel for what was happening. (If you don’t know it, Meet Up is designed to help people meet others with common interests & I highly recommend it). Crucially I’m only targeting those activities that I might actually enjoy – hence it’s fun to go along anyway and, if I meet people, it’s a bonus. We have now been here a month and I’ve been to an outdoor Circuits class, joined the local Mums Running group on 3 runs, joined a 14 week Art class, been to Yoga, Pilates, Nia dance, 5 Rhythm dance and tomorrow evening I’m trying out an Eco-Cinema club. The biggest issue is fitting them all in .. oh and my stamina / fitness! I prefer the ones that allow more chatting during the class and Running group / Circuits / Art class are perfect for that. With the others it’s bit of chat at beginning & end but those little bits of chat can build connection too when you go every week.
Then when meeting people I believe it’s really important to be FRIENDLY! Being friendly for me means being interested in the other people, asking about their lives, chipping in aspects of your own. Nobody wants to be talked at and equally if you hold back then people can’t really get to know the true you. I try to answer everything honestly and be fairly open when I meet people. Being open & authentic leads to deeper connection and is where many people go wrong. It can be tempting to hold back for fear of being judged or disliked. But if people don’t like you or judge you for who you really are then you probably wouldn’t have worked out as buddies anyway – better to sieve them out up front I say! We all have weird foibles and odd things about us – try not to feel that you have to hide them all, it’s what makes us interesting and Human.
Also suggest and invite people along to whatever you fancy doing. There are plenty of people who are keen to do stuff but lack the confidence to suggest it so invite away and don’t worry if nobody likes the idea. You can test the water with e.g. ‘It would be great to have a coffee sometime’ and see the response – if they seem keen then set a date.
Anyway 1 month in & it is all going well. I’ve had plenty of chat, I haven’t felt lonely, I’ve enjoyed all my activities, I’m getting to know people, I’ve been invited for a charity coffee morning, I’ve had a cup of tea at someone’s house, my neighbour has been round with her kids, I have a night out booked with the Running mums, I have suggested to 2 other (also new) couples from our school that we go out after a talk at school this week and they are both keen. Oh and I definitely must be getting fitter!
So that’s my approach. You may not be moving house or joining a new area but that doesn’t mean you can’t try to find new friends or deepen existing friendships by being more open. There could be a new activity you fancy trying or someone you’d like to get to know better and could invite round. And I’d love to hear any other tips in the comments. Please like / share and maybe we can help others find some friends. XX