We wake up today to hear that Donald Trump is the new President of the USA. (And I am nothing if not current in my blog posts ????). But what does this have to do with our own relationships? Well plenty as it happens.
Whenever people act, whether in positive or negative ways, they are either acting to get their needs met. Or they are acting because their needs are not being met.
All of those Trump voters had needs that they didn’t feel were being met. They felt their voices hadn’t been heard, or they feel impoverished in some way, or don’t feel safe, etc and they want new and different action. We might not agree with their vote, but it can be helpful to think about what needs they had which they didn’t feel were going to be met without Mr T in charge. Much like Brexit over here.
And the same applies in our relationships. Your ‘sulky’ wife is acting that way because a need is not being met. It could be a need to be listened to, to feel special, to feel wanted etc. If you take the time you can probably make a pretty educated guess.
The Alpha male boss at work acts that way because of his own needs. Perhaps a need to feel important or that he is making a difference?
The toddler tantrum is a pretty obvious signal of a need not being met. Whereas it can be more subtle in our relationships.
So how does this knowledge help? Well if we put our thinking caps on we can try and meet the ‘need’ in ways that are more helpful to the relationship. If you want more clues, start with some of the aspects that your partner moans or nags about. We can give the toddler a choice of the red or green shirt so that he feels he can make decisions. We can make a comment to the Alpha male about his great decision making. We can ask our partner about their day and really listen and empathise.
Similarly when we feel upset or angry, we can check in and ask ourselves ‘Why am I feeling like this?’ ‘What need isn’t being met?’. Then, having identified it, ask for what you want instead of just acting up or criticising / moaning. A simple request can be far easier for our partner or work colleague to hear and respond to. So there you have it, inspired by Trump (who would have thought?!), think about your needs and those around you, and how they can be met in more helpful ways. Please like / share (although frankly the chances of it appearing in anyone’s newsfeed amongst the doom & gloom today are slim!). Sue X